As our parents grow older, it’s crucial to be mindful of how we speak to them. Words have power, and the things we say can deeply affect their emotions and sense of self-worth. Here are 19 phrases you should avoid when talking to your elderly parents.
“Why can’t you remember anything?”
Memory issues can be a sensitive topic for elderly individuals. “Memory loss can just be a natural part of getting older,” says the NHS, but questioning their memory abilities can make them feel frustrated and ashamed. Instead, offer gentle reminders and assistance when needed.
“You’ve told me this story before.”
While it may be true that your parents have shared the same story multiple times, reminding them of this can make them feel embarrassed or insignificant. Instead of pointing out the repetition, listen patiently and show interest. These stories are often their way of connecting with you and reliving cherished memories. A bit of patience can go a long way in making them feel valued.
“You’re too old to do that.”
Discouraging your parents from engaging in activities they enjoy by bringing up their age can be very disheartening. It’s important to support their interests and hobbies as long as they are safe. Encouragement can help them stay active and feel youthful, but if safety is a concern, suggest safer alternatives without dismissing their enthusiasm.
“That’s not how you do it.”
If you’re criticising the way your parents do things, this can make them feel inadequate and outdated. Remember, they come from different times that promoted different methods. Instead of criticising, offer to help or suggest new ways gently. Show respect for their experiences and how they’ve managed things over the years.
“You should move to a care home.”
A move to a care home can be a very sensitive issue, and it can make your parents feel unwanted or burdensome. Approach this topic delicately and involve them in the decision-making process, including discussing the benefits and listening to their concerns. Ensure they feel supported and loved, regardless of where they live.
“How can you not know this?”
With technology and society constantly changing, it’s natural for older individuals to be unaware of certain things, so mocking their lack of knowledge can be hurtful. Instead, take the opportunity to share new information with them in a respectful and patient manner.
“You never listen to me.”
Accusing your parents of not listening can lead to feelings of guilt and frustration. Communication is a two-way street, after all, and sometimes, older adults might struggle with hearing or cognitive issues. Ensure you are clear and patient in your communication.
“Why are you so stubborn?”
It can be quite offensive to label your parents as stubborn, as often, what seems like stubbornness is actually a desire to maintain independence and dignity. Try to understand their perspective and find common ground while approaching conflicts with enough empathy.
“You don’t understand.”
Dismissing your parents’ ability to understand can be very demoralising, which is why it’s so important to communicate with them respectfully, even when there are generational gaps. Take the time to explain things clearly and involve them in conversations to show that you value their insights.
“You’re too old-fashioned.”
A surefire way to make your parents feel out of touch, or even irrelevant, is by criticising them for being old-fashioned. They were raised in a different era, after all, with different values and norms. Respect their views, even if they differ from yours.
“You can’t do that by yourself.”
Undermining your parents’ abilities can make them feel helpless and dependent. Instead, encourage them to do what they can independently and offer assistance when needed. Promoting independence can boost their confidence and sense of self-worth, so be supportive (without being overbearing).
“Just let me do it.”
While it may be faster or easier for you to take over a task, doing so can make your parents feel useless when you should give them the chance to contribute. Offer help only when they truly need it and encourage them to maintain their skills and autonomy.
“You’re not making any sense.”
When your parents struggle to articulate their thoughts, telling them they don’t make sense can be very hurtful, so be patient and give them time to express themselves. Clarify gently if needed, but never dismiss any of their attempts to communicate.
“You’re always complaining.”
It can be challenging to hear constant complaints, but dismissing them outright can make your parents feel ignored and unimportant. It’s better to try to understand the root of their grievances and offer solutions. Sometimes, they just need someone to listen and understand their struggles.
“You’re a burden.”
Expressing that your parents are a burden can be devastating for them. They’ve spent their lives caring for you, and now it’s your turn to offer support, so show gratitude and reassure them that you’re there out of love, not obligation. Help them feel appreciated and respected.
“You’re lucky you don’t have to work.”
It can be misleading to assume that not working is an easy life. Many elderly individuals miss the sense of purpose and routine that work provides. Acknowledge their contributions over the years and understand that retirement can be a difficult adjustment.
“You’re overreacting.”
Dismissing your parents’ emotions by saying they’re overreacting can make them feel invalidated, as ageing can bring about many fears and anxieties. Try to validate their feelings instead, even if you don’t fully understand them, and offer comfort rather than criticism.
“Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?”
Another thing you shouldn’t do is compare your parents to others, as this can make them feel inadequate. Everyone ages differently and has unique strengths and challenges. It’s important to appreciate your parents for who they are and avoid making comparisons.
“You don’t need that.”
Finally, deciding what your parents do or don’t need can be very disempowering for them. Respect their choices and desires, even if they seem unnecessary to you, and allow them the freedom to make their own decisions while supporting their independence.
