Becoming a parent seems to be a magnet for unsolicited advice, pouring in from all directions—whether it’s from loved ones or complete strangers. Although most advice is offered with good intentions, some suggestions, like these 19 examples, may be outdated or even misleading, and it’s important to navigate this well-meaning guidance with a discerning mind.
“Never hold your baby too much; you’ll spoil them.”
Secure attachment is formed by responding to a child’s needs. Frequent, loving touch helps improve neurological development, decreases stress, and is essential for emotional and physical growth. Healthline reminds us, “You can’t really spoil a newborn: A newborn baby’s brain isn’t really finished developing yet. In fact, their brain won’t be mature for some time.”
“Sugar makes kids hyperactive.”
The CDC states that sugar doesn’t make kids hyper, saying, “Research doesn’t support the popularly held views that ADHD is caused by eating too much sugar.” While the cake and candy at the birthday party get blamed for kids “bouncing off the walls,” it’s more likely the excitement from the day and not the sweets. Keep sugar around as part of a balanced diet for your family.
“Let them cry it out; they need to learn to self-soothe.”
How many times have you heard, “A baby won’t die from crying” or “You’ll spoil them if you don’t let them cry it out”? Ignoring your baby’s cries goes against your natural instinct for a reason. The cry-it-out method not only makes your child feel insecure about your bond but also causes undue stress for both of you. If your baby is crying, they are trying to tell you something.
“Only feed them when it’s time; they need to be on a strict schedule.”
Babies eat based on their own hunger cues, not the clock. Feeding on demand supports their natural metabolism. Trying to keep a baby on a strict food schedule is just asking for screams when your baby is hungry and doesn’t understand what lunchtime is, so make everyone’s life easier and follow your baby’s rumbling tummy, not the clock.
“Start disciplining with timeouts at an early age.”
If you start to discipline before your child can understand the concept, you’re just setting yourself up for more trouble. Timeouts can lead to feelings of isolation or anxiety in younger children if not handled carefully. Discipline should be about teaching, not just punishing; early discipline should involve guidance and understanding.
“They must learn to sleep alone immediately.”
From the moment your child is born, if you’re in the U.S., you’re told to ensure your child only sleeps in their crib and make sure the nursery is set up before you bring them home. For most babies, sleeping alone can cause anxiety and distress in both the baby and the parent, who is constantly checking the monitor. Many cultures practice co-sleeping or at least having the baby in the room with you until at least one year old. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to bedtime.
“Don’t pick them up every time they fall.”
People think we need to toughen our children up by not responding when they fall or have minor injuries. However, not responding to your child when they are hurt can do the opposite of toughening them up and actually increase insecurity and the fear of trying new things. Letting your children know you will catch them when they fall is OK.
“Children should be seen and not heard.”
Hopefully, this one is a relic of the past, but judging by the number of children with tablets and headphones at restaurant tables, maybe it lives on. This outdated advice can prevent children from learning practical communication skills. Children should feel valued for their thoughts and feelings, even when those thoughts and feelings don’t make sense to adults.
“If they’re not excelling, they’re not trying hard enough.”
We tell other adults that they don’t have to be good at everything, so why don’t we use this same advice with children? Children learn at different paces and will pick up on things that interest them quicker than things they don’t. Paying attention to what your child loves and what they struggle with is a great way to teach them other life skills.
“Always put your child first, no matter what.”
Children need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them—this becomes more necessary and easier as they grow out of the baby stage. Secondly, parents can’t neglect self-care, or they may run into health issues and may not be able to be their best selves for their children. Also, “If they see you taking care of yourself, they will learn to do the same for themselves,” according to Nurturing Parenting.
“Don’t let them manipulate you with tears.”
Children aren’t evil masterminds trying to manipulate you into doing their bidding; they aren’t cats. If your child is crying, it is often the only way they know how to express that they are feeling overwhelmed, sad, or frustrated. Instead of shutting down their emotions—it’s OK to admit if you’ve said the famous “I’ll give you something to cry about”—try to understand what they are feeling and use it to teach them ways to express their emotions more effectively.
“Push them to be the best in their class.”
Some kids will naturally have the “overachiever” gene, but pushing them to always be the best is not the best for their young psyche. Constant pressure can cause burnout and a dislike of learning, so they should focus on growing their natural curiosities and interests.
“They don’t need to read; they’ll learn from videos.”
It’s easy these days to just pop on a video for whatever we think our kids need to learn instead of doing it the old-fashioned way and reading. However, reading has many more benefits beyond learning any skill they’re interested in. Reading develops literacy skills and promotes a level of imagination; passively watching a video can’t replace it.
“They must always obey adults.”
While respecting our elders and authority is important, blind obedience isn’t something we should be teaching our children. Unfortunately, not all adults have good intentions; children must learn critical thinking and trust their instincts. We should also reinforce their boundaries and teach them about consent from a young age.
“Don’t let them quit; it sets a bad precedent.”
Vanessa Lapointe, a psychologist, told Fortune, “It’s okay for you to allow your child to quit an activity, provided it’s not right on the heels of a disastrous game or frustrating practice.” Letting your child quit optional activities they aren’t enjoying or aren’t suited for gives them the confidence to try new things without fear that they’ll be stuck doing it if it isn’t for them. Learning when to quit is as important as perseverance. It teaches about making thoughtful decisions.
“A strict upbringing is the best way to discipline.”
Have you noticed the preacher’s child is always the most wild? Being oppressively strict with your children often causes them to rebel and act out as a way of feeling like an individual. Children who are brought up with boundaries but room for openness without fear of punishment from their parents tend to find themselves in less bad situations because they know they can talk to their parents about anything instead of acting out.
“Focus on academics over extracurricular activities.”
Grades are only one small part of growing up. While teaching your children the value of education is important, it is equally important to help them become well-rounded people. Extra-curriculars can teach them skills they may not learn in a book, such as teamwork, leadership, stress management, and creative expression. If your kid has a passion for something outside of the classroom, nurture that.
“They must clean their plate at every meal.”
Mealtime should not be a battleground, but a time to enjoy food and family. Teaching your kids to eat everything that is served to them instead of listening to when their body is satisfied can lead to overeating and obesity in the future because your children learn shame for not eating everything in front of them. Instead, encourage your kids to focus on a balanced diet with portions that fit their appetites.
“Never admit you’re wrong to your children.”
You’re a parent, not a god; you will make mistakes. Shortform says that admitting you are wrong to your kids “reduces the chance they’ll become a perfectionist, which can lead to anxiety, difficulties in school and work, and low self-worth.” Also, taking accountability for your mistakes not only helps you remember not to do it again but also teaches your children to do the same when they screw up and strengthens trust in the relationship.
