It’s not always easy to spot when someone is trying to control you. Manipulative behaviours can be subtle, and you might not even realise what’s happening until you’re deeply entangled. Understanding these tactics can help you recognise and protect yourself. These are 18 common manipulative traits to watch out for.
Gaslighting
“Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse,” reports Medical News Today, where the manipulator tries to make you doubt your reality. They may deny things they said or did, make you question your memory, or accuse you of being overly sensitive. Over time, this can erode your confidence and make you rely on them more, believing their version of events over your own.
Guilt-Tripping
Making you feel guilty to get you to do something is known as guilt-tripping. The person might remind you of past mistakes, imply that you’re selfish, or suggest that you’re not caring enough. This tactic preys on your sense of responsibility and compassion, pushing you to act out of guilt rather than your own free will.
Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive tactic where the other person refuses to communicate with you. By withdrawing communication, they create anxiety and uncertainty, forcing you to try and resolve the situation on their terms. This behaviour can be incredibly frustrating and emotionally draining.
Playing the Victim
Manipulators often play the victim to gain sympathy and control, including exaggerating their problems or hardships. This can make you feel sorry for them and guilty for not helping. It can also make you feel obligated to support them, even at your own expense, and can create a power dynamic where you’re always the rescuer.
Love Bombing
Love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with affection, compliments, and attention to win you over. This intense display of love can make you feel special and wanted, but it’s often a tactic to quickly build a sense of obligation and dependency. Once they’ve hooked you, the affection may abruptly stop, leaving you confused and desperate to regain their approval.
Triangulation
Bringing a third person into your relationship conflicts to create competition and jealousy is called triangulation. The person manipulating you might compare you to someone else, share private information, or pit people against each other. This tactic keeps you off-balance and focused on competing for their attention.
Projection
When someone trying to control you accuses you of their own faults or behaviours, they’re likely projecting. If they’re being unfaithful, they might accuse you of cheating, for example, or if they’re lying, they might accuse you of dishonesty. This deflection makes you defend yourself, taking the focus off their behaviour and placing it onto you.
Blame Shifting
Blame shifting is when the manipulator turns the tables on you during an argument. Instead of addressing their actions, they blame you for the issue, suggesting that you’re at fault. This can make you second-guess yourself and feel responsible for problems that aren’t your fault, keeping you in a cycle of self-blame—not to mention confusion.
Minimising Your Feelings
If your feelings are being downplayed or dismissed, it could be a sign of them minimising them. The person in question might tell you that you’re overreacting, being too sensitive, or making a big deal out of nothing. This invalidation can make you question the legitimacy of your feelings and deter you from expressing your emotions in the future.
Conditional Approval
Conditional approval is when someone only shows you affection or approval when you meet their demands or expectations. This type of manipulation creates a constant pressure to conform to their standards, as you crave their positive reinforcement. Over time, you may start to prioritise their needs over your own to avoid losing their approval.
Lying and Deception
The most classic manipulative tactics are lying and deception. This other individual might lie outright, omit important details, or twist the truth to suit their needs. This dishonesty keeps you in the dark and makes it difficult for you to make informed decisions, allowing them to control the narrative and maintain the upper hand.
Playing Dumb
Playing dumb is when a manipulative person pretends not to understand something to avoid responsibility or accountability. They might act confused or incompetent, forcing you to take on their responsibilities or make decisions for them. This tactic can be frustrating and exhausting, as you end up doing more work and feeling responsible for their actions.
Setting Unrealistic Expectations
The person trying to influence you might expect perfection, constant availability, or immediate compliance as a form of setting unrealistic expectations. When you inevitably fail to meet these standards, they use your ‘failures’’ to criticise and control you. Needless to say, this makes you feel inadequate and dependent on their approval.
Withholding Information
Withholding information is a way to control what you know and how you act; a manipulator might keep important details from you, share information selectively, or lie by omission. This tactic keeps you in a state of uncertainty and makes you rely on them for guidance, as you don’t have all the facts to make informed decisions on your own.
Financial Control
Financial control is when someone uses money to control your actions and decisions. It creates dependency and limits freedom as you need their permission for financial matters, making it difficult to leave or stand up for yourself. They could control your access to finances, give you an allowance, or make you justify every expense.
Creating Drama
When conflict is stirred up, or chaos is created to keep you distracted and off-balance, this individual might start arguments, spread rumours, or create crises to create drama. This constant drama consumes your energy and attention, making it harder for you to focus on your own needs or recognise their manipulative behaviour.
Love Withdrawal
Love withdrawal occurs when someone withholds affection and attention to punish you or get you to comply. They often ignore you, act cold, or be distant until you give in to their demands. This tactic leverages your emotional needs, making you feel desperate to regain their love and approval and more likely to do what they want.
Intellectual Bullying
Lastly, intellectual bullying occurs when a manipulator uses their knowledge or intelligence to belittle and control you. This can include constantly correcting you, using jargon to confuse you, or making you feel stupid for not understanding something. This behaviour chips away at your confidence—which is what they want.
